My best friend Michele texted me about a month ago to tell me about a dream she had. In it, she and I were able to transport ourselves in time — we went back to a time when my mom was alive. She was visiting with a friend and was happy. Michele said that I went and gave my mom a hug; when I came back, Michele felt the need to remind me that it wasn’t real (She insists she wasn’t trying to be mean!). I said, “I know, but it still felt good.”
So kinda nice, right? When she told me, it made me cry a little. Then I told another close friend about Michele’s dream, and she cried a little too. It was a pretty sweet little dream. But it wasn’t mine.
I wished it was. Apparently, I wished that so hard that my head tried to conjure up something similar. BUT…here’s how mine went:
I was sitting in an armchair in someone’s living room, and suddenly became aware that my mom was sitting on the couch in front of me. I was thrilled. She wasn’t looking at me, but she seemed serene and somewhat detached, and I spent a lot of time thinking, “This is it! I’m reconnecting! This is the moment!” But I spent so much building up to the moment, that her facial features began to change — she started looking a little like Sally Field. Finally, I asked, “Is that really you, mom?” And she opened her mouth to talk, but her teeth were made out of abalone shells. THEN she started talking all right — about how great the Kardashians were, how much she admired them. So it became painfully clear that this wasn’t actually my mom at all, it was just an imposter.
A pretty crushing dreamfail.
But finally, a couple of weeks ago, my head finally got it right. I dreamed that I got to hug her. We didn’t say much, just hugged. (Full disclosure: There were also slightly disturbing peripheral details of this dream, such as a very unglorious nude hot-tubber in my field of vision, but please let me not ruin my Hallmark moment.)
I don’t know if that means that I’m closer to having peace about her being gone. Maybe I’ve babystepped into the “acceptance” phase; maybe not. Either way, I know it wasn’t real, but it still felt good. Despite the hot-tubber.*
*Just googled that complete phrase in quotes. To date, I’m happy to report that there are NO RESULTS FOUND! Until now, google. UNTIL NOW. You’re welcome.